So much has changed

I don’t think I realized it had been 6 months since I last posted. A lot has happened since then.

I think one of the main reasons I put my blog on hiatus was because I really did not want to think about infertility. It is depressing. And yes, I know that I am lucky enough to have a son and some do not even achieve that and my heart goes out to them but once you deal with infertility, your life is never the same. Even if you have more kids. It is a hard pill to swallow.

Next up, I became a stay at home mom when my husband and I moved out of my home town. I miss work but I enjoy the time with my son. In a way I wish I could have spent the first year at home with him but hanging out with a toddler really is fun. He can do things, talk, hang out, and entertain me. I’m not sure what the future will hold in regards to how long this will last but for now I am enjoying every minute of it.

And lastly, I am pregnant. Naturally. Which also kept me away from my blog. Our main problem was my endometriosis. At least that is what our diagnosis was, along with DOR. The “cure” for endometriosis: pregnancy. Go figure right. Some have issues getting pregnant with this fun disorder and others, like my sil, get pregnant right off the bat with twins despite having a more complex issue of endometriosis than I did. So with that said, I am still nursing my 26 month old. I got pregnant when he was 21 months old, right after the return of my first cycle. That combined with the 10 months of pregnancy means I did not have a period in 32 months. That is 32 months that mean old endo was not able to wreak havoc on my insides. It still doesn’t feel real.

Siblings

I know I have no right to despise my friends who post about how awesome sibling love is (I have a sibling and our relationship is great so i know it’s awesome) but for someone who may never be able to provide their child with a sibling, I hate the bragging.

3 years

It has been three years since I lost my first born son and the day still hits me like a ton of bricks.  I know it’s coming, but no amount of preparation can stop the tears from flowing.  By now I should realize that going to work on his birthday is futile.  But the thought of sitting at home all by myself crying doesn’t appeal to me either.  I don’t ever want to forget about my son but I hope someday I can get through the day without so much sorrow.

Infertility Round 3

I had my 6 month follow up lat week. Although i went in a month late. They want me to start treatment ASAP. Long story short, I’m not ready to wean my son so we won’t be starting anything anytime soon. I know that means we may never have anymore children but there is also the risk that IVF may not work again and that means I would have weaned my son early for nothing. Im torn but for now I’m just trying to focus on what I have. I fantastic 7.5 month old who always has a great big smile on his face.

Changes

So 7 months post partum, here is what I am still struggling with.

1. My feet. They are still a size bigger. I finally gave in and started purchasing new shoes starting with my running shoes. BUMMER.

2. My hips. I mean come on already. GO BACK DOWN. My damn thongs are now hanging below my butt crack. That is a problem people!

3. My feet. Yeah I know I already said this but they are so wide now. I mean it’s not like I need a wide shoe or anything but when I look at them I feel like they look like duck feet just bigger.

4. My boobs. I know they will go back down when I am done breastfeeding but toting around really full D’s is not exactly fun. I had to buy all new sports bras just to accomodate these babies. Ok, I know it could be worse but for a runner, D’s blow!

5. My stinking belly. The dang thing shrunk and is totally flat while standing giving me the elusion that all is fine. Well all is fine until I sit down or bend over. Then it all hangs down. Ok so it is worth it but I can not wait for it to totally tighten back up. And for anyone who wants to challenge me on this, go right ahead. My belly will tighten back up and I gurantee it.

I think that’s it for now. At the end of the day, I would accept these changes hands down because I love my little man more than anything in the world. But it doesn’t hurt to have a goal to make myself look normal again :-).

Co-Sleep

We co-sleep.  Gasp!  And I love it but I don’t care if you don’t do it :-).  Here’s why I love it.  First off, as a working mom, if I didn’t co-sleep with my son, I would only get to hold him for about 2 hours on average during the week.  That sucks!  Secondly, with my husband working nights now, an empty bed is no bueno.  And thirdly, I prefer a warm body sleeping next to me so why wouldn’t my precious baby enjoy the same.  And he totally does!  We have our routine down and everyone is happy.

My son goes to bed every night around 6:30pm  I nurse him to sleep and then slip away for some me time.  He still nurses every few hours which isn’t so bad now that we co-sleep.  I just roll over, pull out the boob and fall back asleep.  No more having to get out of bed, go to the nursery, rock him or get comfy on the sofa and then try to get myself back to sleep once he is done. 

The other great part about it is in the morning when my husband comes home from work, he crawls into bed to snuggle with our son while I get ready for work.  It is his my husbands favorite time of day and mine too because I get to watch them secretly on the video monitor :-).

I love my life.

Wow

Where has the time gone?  My excuse, I am basically a single mom working two full time jobs.  One at an office and the other with my big 7 month old.  Why?  Because my husband is working graveyards for a full year.  It is killing me!!!  We see each other in passing int he morning when he gets home and then in the evening as he is leaving for work.  It sucks to say the least.  So much has happened over these last few weeks.  I am taking a much needed week off from work starting this Sunday so I will post and get everyone caught up on all the fun and glory! 

Go with your gut

There are so many parenting books out there it’s amazing any of us survived when we were kids. I have to admit I fell prey to a lot of them when I was pregnant. Now that I’m not, I have no time whatsoever to read them and I’m ok with that. Why? Because being a mom is innate. When a dog has puppies, she doesn’t go and read a book on how to care for them, so why do I need one. I’m sick of the competition going around about whose method is best or whose kid is better at sleeping through the night. I mean who cares. Honestly, I will be sad when my son starts sleeping 12 hours straight because I won’t get to cuddle with him every 4 -6 hours. And I’m ok nursing my son to sleep even though all the stupid books and articles that bombard my email box say don’t do it. And that’s because my gut says its ok. My gut says its ok for my son to snuggle in bed with me 4 am too. I love sleeping next to my husband so why wouldn’t my baby want to sleep next to me. So go with your gut. The end.

Twinkie Diet

The first week I was back at work I was getting what I thought was a ton of milk.  I was so happy.  Then the strangest thing happened, my son started to actually take a bottle and drinking all his milk.  So that nice 9 ounces of milk I would tote home with me at the end of the day was not enough.  Turns out he wants 12-14 ounces a day.  Yikes.

At first I started to pump more often, which only helped a little.  I was starting to stress and was becoming exhausted trying to keep up which I know did not help the situation so I had to take drastic measures.  I added Twinkies to my diet.  Yes Twinkies.  And wouldn’t you know, that did the trick :-).  Ok I think the real culprit was the fact that I was working so hard and I was not eating enough calories to keep up with his demand.  In addition to my Twinkie diet, I also starting taking Fenugreek.  However, this did not work out as well as the Twinkies.  I started producing too much milk again and now his poop was turning green from too much foremilk.  Then he sporadically started breaking out in hives which after doing some research, can be caused by the Fenugreek.  Low and behold, once I cut back on the dosage, his hives stopped.  Weird huh :-).  THEN I started spotting ever so lightly.  Upon even further research, I found that Fenugreek can cause your menstrual cycle to start.  WTF.  I do not want that.  So needless to say, Fenugreek, although it did increase my supply, was not my solution.  In the end, the Twinkies won.  Yeah!!

Side note, I have since given up the Twinkies but have added in other good high fat foods which also seem to be working.  I just really wanted Twinkies that week and it was a great excuse to eat them :-).  ANd my spotting stopped and no period.  Whew.

Pumping at Work

I’m going to go ahead and say I am proud of myself.  4 months in, 5 weeks back at work and I am still exclusively providing my son with breast milk.  I know that I am very lucky to be able to do this.  My goal was one year so I am hoping to get that far as it is a tedious task.  Worth it but tedious.

I know that I am even more fortunate to have a private office, with blinds installed over every window for privacy.  I ran into a woman in the bathroom who was washing out pump parts.  I striked up a conversation and found out that she has to pump in the bathroom.  YUCK!  How uncomfortable and gross.  I felt so bad.  I really want to share my office but I can’t.  So, I did the next best thing and contacted management and insisted they at least put a chair in the big stall for the woman.  I mean, she either has to sit on the floor or on the toilet seat.  That is not ok. 

3 ounces down, 11 to go.  I swear my whole days revolves around getting my 14 ounces of pumped milk.  Everything else is one big blur.