So I finally had the dreaded lunch with my pregnant friend that I had been putting off for some time now. In case you follow, I posted about her a few months back (Is It Bad…) since she failed to take my situation into account before telling me. Selfish, maybe, but I don’t care. But back to lunch. I had a delicious hamburger and fries with strawberry shortcake for dessert. It was very good. But I really didnt’ logon to tell you about what I ate :-).
We went through the formalities, how are you, how the hubs, fam, work, etc. And then she started in. “I just don’t know what I am going to do when this baby comes. I mean, I had no idea I would get pregnant the first month I went off the pill. I just really wasn’t anticipating this. If I had known, I would have put it off for a few more months, maybe even a year. It’s just really put a wrench in things.” Deep breathe. Yes, she went there. And since she was treating me to lunch and comping my parking (don’t worry, I do the same for her since we both have access to restaurants), I really didn’t have the heart to lay into her or make her feel like crap for complaining to me. See I’m not that selfish :-).
Somehow I was able to brush it off and continue the lunch and we left on good terms. But that annoying conversation is still nagging me. Thoughts of what I could have said keep running through my head.
- Oh I’m sorry you didn’t understand what going off the pill meant.
- You know, there are plenty of women who would give their left nut to be in your situation.
- You could always let a deserving person adopt your baby and give them a better life than the one you are dreading.
Alas, I said nothing. Why on earth do people think their lives are going to come to a complete stop once they have a child? Don’t they realize how blessed they are to be able to get pregnant at the drop of a dime and to be able to complete their family for free? Dont’ they realize a lack of sleep is only temporary during those few good years where you get to hold and coddle your little one before they get too big and don’t want to snuggle anymore? I guess not.
I still stick to my thought process that those who suffer from IF will be better moms hands down than any woman who hasn’t because we don’t take those things for granted and appreciate all the small things that come our way. Sleep or not.
ifserenitynow 
I read your posts like I’m reading my life. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve had a few friends have the same dreaded conversation with me and wish I could tell them to shut up, but I let it slide. If they only knew what its like to deal with IF, but I wouldn’t wish that on anybody….
I know it’s so hard to deal with. I wish everyone could be understanding and caring but that’s a long shot.
Hello from ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I’m sorry your friend was so insensitive.
Thanks. As the struggle continues, I find I am keeping less friends. I can’t decide if it’s me or them but hopefully things will settle down one day.
Congrats on your pregnancy and I’m sorry your friend was so insensitive in her complaints. {{{Hugs}}}
ICLW #10
Thanks. I kind of blame myself for going since in the backof my mind I knew she would end up saying something rude. I guess I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt which can be good and bad. Now I know.
I have so many comments ‘saved up’ to say if/when one of my friends ever says something like this! I don’t know if I would ever use them but I like to think I would 🙂 Feeling for you xx
It’s strange but over the years, yes I said years, I have seemed to calm down a tad. Don’t get me wrong, I still chew people out who deserve it but somtimes you just don’t feel they are worth it :-).
Does she know your story?
I can’t believe she would say that if she does…
or maybe she thinks that now that you’re pregnant you two are in the same boat?
She knows my story. Maybe not every girtty detail but most of it. IF, loss, etc.
Well, then I really don’t get it… The only explanation I have is that she SO overwhelmed with her feelings and emotions, she can’t even control what she says.
I know right. I have to blame it on selfishness. No matter how down I may be, I don’t bore all my friends with my IF nor do I ask for sympathy from them, just silent understanding and thoughtfulness.
After I lost my son I had a friend call me and complain about being a new mom. I didn’t say anything either, but it made me realize that no one can keep other people’s pain close to their heart for very long. My friend didn’t mean to squash my heart, but I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach.
I’m sorry you had to sit through that lunch. I hope that someday this person realizes what she said and how hurtful it was and apologizes to you. But I suspect that you’ll always treat her with more sympathy and respect than she is capable of reciprocating.
You and I are on the same wave length. The same thing happened to me too. My IF/IVF friend was complaining about going back to work and said I had no idea how gut wrenching it was for her to leave her child with the nanny. Um, I think I do and more so as my son had to leave me and will never be back. We were due within a month of each other last year. Needless to say, our friendship has dwindled quite a bit.
Hello from ICLW! You are the second blog today that has had a post similar to this, and like I said on the other one, unless they have been down the road we are on, they will never understand and they won’t know how to not say things that to one person may not be harmful but to another can be gut wrenching.
You are completely right. It’s unfortunate some people only think of themselves.
Things like this make me wonder why some people have kids. Not in the cruel “she doesn’t deserve it” way, but in the “well, what on earth did you THINK was going to happen?” kind of way. Personally, I started trying because I wanted to be a mom. But so many people seem to start trying only because it’s expected or because they walked past the baby aisle and thought the little tiny clothes were just so adorable.
Okay, so she’s scared. She feels completely unprepared for this new role. But I’m sure she has fertile friends to complain to – other women who didn’t expect that going off the pill might actually (gasp!) make her get pregnant. Complaining to you when she knows at least the basics of your story – that’s just selfishness at it’s finest. I’m sorry you had to sit through that. I hope she sees the error of her ways soon and comes up with a genuine apology.
Best of luck to you, and happy ICLW!
You read my mind exactly. Although people like that never realize they did anything wrong so I would be waiting a life time for an apologu :-).
Oh my, your a better person then I am. I don’t know if I could take it. I actually stopped being friends with someone who was really insensitive about the whole situation, I just couldn’t take it. The worst was from my mom though who mentioned multiple times how she once told an infertile friend that they must hate women like her who can get pregnant whenever they please and also how she wished she had given me her amazing fertility. I can’t break up with my mom, so I just took it until about the 5th time and then I told her to never tell me that story again. I don’t think every single person needs to understand what we’re feeling but just putting some thought into their words, that’s all I ask for. And I totally agree with you, I think IF moms are a different breed. Hang in there and good luck!
ICLW #9
Don’t worry, I’m just like you :-). I have lost contact with several friends because of their insensitive remarks. It’s just hard to maintain a friendship when only one side is taking the others feelings into consideration. Thanks for the well wishes.