The hard thing with a BFP and being in my situation is people don’t get it.  In a normal pregnancy, one gets to announce the news with joy and happiness, plan a baby shower, decorate a nursery and then be holding their babies 9 months later.  But for those who fall into my category, you would be setting yourself up for failure if you took that path.  I had to go to my primary care the other day and of course I had to tell her that I was barely pregnant since we were considering an x-ray of my arm.  She knows my history and I could see her face get all lit up and the tone of her voice change real quick to that of someone who is super excited but I had to hold up my hand and tell her to please not do that.  She then put her doctor cap on and I was much more comfortable.  I just want to look at this as a series steps and nothing more.  The only people getting my apprehension right now is my RE and his assistant.  Both feel like me.  It’s great your HCG doubled appropriately, it’s great we have seen a heartbeat but being as though it was very low to begin with, we need to proceed with caution.  Unfortunately, given our past history and all things that can go wrong during this first trimester, let alone the next 9 months if we are even fortunate enough to get that far, these are not exciting times, they are stressful and excruciatingly painful times.  Exciting will be when the Dr delivers our baby, hands he or she over and says congrats and then we get to walk out the door, healthy baby in hand.   Then I will relax and breathe and say ok, now you can let out your joys of excitement.   But not yet.

3 responses to “Ugh

  1. i’d like to give you a virtual hug designed to protect you and your little… bean 🙂

  2. I’ve read a lot of your posts. Besides your news, this is my favorite so far. When people get excited for me about a possible pregnancy, I think it’s bad luck. That’s why I’d rather not tell anybody a thing but my husband – not about anything in the process at all. I actually get angry when they’re too enthusiastic or say things that are simply ignorance based on what I know about myself – not online but people in my life. It’s not their fault, but I still want to shush people who are too giddy. And if they know I’m going through a cycle and ask me about it, I get really scared and start feeling hopeless. I don’t want to have to tell anyone it didn’t work – NO ONE. It’s too painful.

    • Your comment hit right on. I found it best to only discuss what I was going through with either another IVFer or my husband. Even my best friend couldn’t cut it because quite honestly, she didn’t struggle one bit. So although her heart was in the right place, mine wasn’t.

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