Each month I keep trying to decide what I want to do the next month. The problem is, I can’t plan anything. If I get pregnant, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy and I won’t be able to travel anywhere or work out which are my two favorite things to do. Not to mention that I will have appointments almost every week. Now I’m not complaining about that since I want to be overly monitored so this time my baby survives but it makes living my life impossible right now. However, if my third FET fails, I have to basically start all over with testing to prepare for my third IVF which means every 5-7 days, I will have a test which again renders me unable to make any plans. I so want to throw it all out the window and try naturally but I know it won’t work. For starters, my husband does not like to travel so I’m usually on my own or with family, which defeats the purpose of trying naturally since I won’t have his sperm around to make a concentrated effort. And with the less than 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally, I’m really not going to waste my time. Now I know I bring this all on myself (well not really since I didn’t ask to suffer from IF) but yes I make the choice to continue with treatments and sure I could take time off from IF treatments and do other things, but in the end, that isn’t what I want. I want a family first and foremost and since my AMH is declining rapidly, I don’t have time to fuck around with anything else except this. Life sucks balls big time right now. Every time I get “you have great blasts” and every month I get a BFFN. Why can’t I just get a BFP and get this shit over with. I mean is that really too much to ask for. I don’t think it is. But apparently someone else does. I had no idea that I would be in the same predicament I was over 3 years ago. Waiting and putting my life on hold for what seems like nothing at this point. I’m so lost right now.