What to do now

Each month I keep trying to decide what I want to do the next month.  The problem is, I can’t plan anything.  If I get pregnant, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy and I won’t be able to travel anywhere or work out which are my two favorite things to do.  Not to mention that I will have appointments almost every week.  Now I’m not complaining about that since I want to be overly monitored so this time my baby survives but it makes living my life impossible right now.  However, if my third FET fails, I have to basically start all over with testing to prepare for my third IVF which  means every 5-7 days, I will have a test which again renders me unable to make any plans.  I so want to throw it all out the window and try naturally but I know it won’t work.  For starters, my husband does not like to travel so I’m usually on my own or with family, which defeats the purpose of trying naturally since I won’t have his sperm around to make a concentrated effort.  And with the less than 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally, I’m really not going to waste my time.  Now I know I bring this all on myself (well not really since I didn’t ask to suffer from IF) but yes I make the choice to continue with treatments and  sure I could take time off from IF treatments and do other things, but in the end, that isn’t what I want.  I want a family first and foremost and since my AMH is declining rapidly, I don’t have time to fuck around with anything else except this.  Life sucks balls big time right now.  Every time I get “you have great blasts” and every month I get a BFFN.  Why can’t I just get a BFP and get this shit over with.  I mean is that really too much to ask for.  I don’t think it is.  But apparently someone else does.  I had no idea that I would be in the same predicament I was over 3 years ago.  Waiting and putting my life on hold for what seems like nothing at this point.   I’m so lost right now.

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