It wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike people who get pregnant or have babies but I just chose not to be around them, family or not.  It’s too hard.   Last July shortly after my son died my brother called to tell me that he and his wife were expecting twins.  Naturally of course.  OF COURSE!!!!  I cried and didn’t really talk about it for a long time.  Although early, they were born today and for the first time in a while I didn’t cry over the news.  Now going out and seeing them is another story.  Right now they are in NICU and being as though I spent 3 days in there with my son, it’s just too fresh in my mind so I won’t be visiting until they are out.   I have debated for months on whether or not I will even be going out there and had mostly decided that I wouldn’t.  I was really hoping that our second round of IVF would work and my excuse would be I can’t because I’m pregnant.  But that is not the case and I don’t have any other excuses.  So time to deliberate.  I’m pretty sure my brother would be understanding but at the same time as my acupuncturist so politely said today “it’s not those little babies fault”.  Yeah she’s right but it doesn’t make it any easier.  Who knows.  Right now I just want my Dr to tell me that my FET will not be canceled and that we can continue forward with our transfer next week.  Here’s to hoping!

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3 responses to “It wasn’t as bad as I thought.

  1. It’s a really rough position to be in and I do sympathize with you. Maybe you could buy one of those recordable children’s books (or something similar) and read it for your brother’s babies. I know they are way to young to appreciate it but, perhaps the gesture of doing something so personal for the babies will make you feel a bit better about delaying a visit.

    Feel free to completely ignore this assvice if it contradicts something you’ve previously written.

    Wishing you the very best of luck with your FET.

    ICLW #36

  2. Over on ICLW – Gentle hugs for your losses luv which still must be very raw, particularly given the circumstances. I think when something like this happens it opens the door for family to help – is there another family member you can speak to who will understand? who can be your spokesperson? who can explain without the emotions tripping you up? Family always say they want to help – maybe this is their opportunity.

    I am on the otherside now, but I experienced many miscarriages on the way – I don’t know if this will help, but I found two coping mechanisms that helped. Firstly, I never saw ‘their’ babies as my babies – it was my babies I was grieving and I wanted those two things very separate. It meant I could feel joy for them, whilst mourning my own losses.

    and the other thing was a little mantra that always pulled me through: I cannot control what is going to happen, just the way I deal with it – it gave control back to me in a rather special way.

    I am sending you love and strength for your upcoming treatment and hope with all my heart your wishes come true

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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