3 years, 3 months, 19 days and counting

One of the hardest things about seeing other peoples kids, is I can’t help but wonder how old my babies would be if I was able to get pregnant as planned.  As planned I would have 2 kids by now, a two year old and a newborn.  And in one year we would planning for our third.  Well we all know plans change so here I sit typing this blog feeling sorry for myself yet again.  Right now I sit here wondering if I will ever have one let alone three and it hurts.  I want nothing more than to have a family with my husband , for him to be a father and for me to be a mother.  And every time I see my friend’s kids, the counting begins.  Seeing them is a constant reminder of how long we have been trying.  The journey that never stops.  So here I am on a Saturday evening, no pina colada in hand, stuck giving myself shots (or taking them in the ass) and a pharmacy on my dining room table in the hopes that someday I will have a family of my own.

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17 responses to “3 years, 3 months, 19 days and counting

  1. Stopping over from ICLW from #63 & #153. I truly understand this sentiment. i’m so sorry that you are feeling this way today. I wanted 2-3 kids in my life too and now I’m just going to be lucky if we get one. It blows. We’re here for you. Hugs.

  2. Hello. *sigh* It is amazing how one question can send your day into a tailspin. I can totally relate. I am already preparing myself for the onslaught of family members asking about if we are going to have kids anytime soon. I’m thinkin gof going with “we were, but then we thought about how yours turned out…and we’re reconsidering.” lol. It may not go over well, but it would feel nice to say it.

    Good luck with your FET!!! I hope this is the take home baby cycle for you!

  3. So sorry you’re still left wondering and hoping that you won’t have to keep counting your “should have beens” ((hugs)) ICLW 149

  4. Here from the Stirrup Queen’s Friday Blog list.
    I find myself doing the same thing. I know when we started TTC and I know so many people who’ve had babies in the time since. I just keep seeing their lives and wishing that I could have them.

  5. You know, I do the same thing. I would have had 2 babies by now as well – a 2 year old and a 1 year old. The first time I miscarried, my sister told me that now I have a special guardian angel watching over me. It was, and is, the only thing that helps when I am feeling down. It will happen for us! Good luck this cycle, my fingers are crossed for the both of us 🙂

  6. I hope your days of counting are over. Sending you good vibrations for a perfect cycle with a perfect ending.

  7. Here from Mel’s Blog Roundup

    I so get this! It’s stunning how quickly people seem to have babies and then more babies.

    I’m sorry that your plans aren’t working out and that you even have a reason to keep count of the passing time. (((hugs))) and wishes for a healthy baby for you soon.

  8. I can totally relate to your feelings. A close friend, whose son is my godson, conceived him (her first child) the first month we were TTC. He turned 2 this past January, and my friend is currently pregnant with her second child and due in May. Both pregnancies were planned, and the second pregnancy was planned specifically so that the two children would be just a little over 2 years apart. (Ah, to have the luxury of planning such things!) I have a number of other friends and acquaintances who have had 2, and in a couple of cases 3, children in the time we have been TTC our first child.

    I have another friend who has a daughter who was born on the same date when our child would’ve been due had I not had a chemical pregnancy in August 2009. That child will be a year old in a couple of weeks.

    It’s awful that happiness for our friends who are parents is now overshadowed by our own grief over the fact that we are not. 😦

    • I wish neither of us had to think this way. It sucks. I’m trying not to count anymore as it just gets more depressing but when it’s tossed in front of your face, it is so hard not to. I just had twin nephews born last week and already started counting in my head how old they would be if my FET even works this month. No fun!

  9. If we were real life friends, talking about this over tea, I’d give you a hug. And then I’d say something about how sometimes it makes me want to punch things, the unfairness of it all.

    I found you via Stirrup Queens, via ICLW. I hope your journey is coming to the happy part soon.

    • Thanks! I really liked your line about throwing the laptop out the window. I noticed the same thing reading through posts on ICLW but it didn’t bother me as much as normal either. Hey, maybe I’m making progress by joining and sharing. Either way, thanks for stopping by and offering up some hope.

  10. My first pregnancy shared a due date with one of my good friends. Seeing her son is like daggers to the heart. He’s a year and a half old now, and for some reason it’s getting better as he become more “kid” and less “baby”. Or maybe I’m just closer to giving up. Either way, I hate that my friend’s kid is a reminder of what I don’t have. I wish I could just enjoy him for him, not think about his corollary that I should have.

    • I had two friends who were due one month before and one month after me so I know exactly how you feel on that point. I don’t think you are close to giving up as I feel the same way about it getting easier to handle as they get older, and I am not anywhere near close to giving up. Giving up would mean IF wins, and we can’t let that happen. I hope both our FET’s this year give us what we want. GL!

  11. I’m so sorry. Those reminders hurt.

  12. I know how you feel. My best friend and I started trying around the same time. She has a 2 1/2 year old and newborn. And I’ve got none. I also have a friend who was pregnant at the same time as my second pregnancy and seeing her 9 month old just recently was hard.

    Hugs to you (and here from the Friday Round-up)

    • I so wish we didn’t have to experience this. It really takes away from being happy for our friends. It has nothing to with them and all about us but not many understand that. Good luck to you!

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